I looked inside and started to wonder ;

If there were just a wish.. I would wish i could travel back in time. I have this feeling, this feeling that is LOST. I can't bare myself to start thinking.and thinking what to do. and I started crying. Cause i know.. It's my fault that causes this.. It was my own fault. I tried and tried not to think about it.. But he seems to come into my mind.. He's leaving soon, and i can't do anything about it. He seems so happy to leave.. He seems so excited to go to school..

I don't want to do it. and at the same time i do want to do it.. What is up with me? When i first met you, you were friendly, when i first got to know you more, you were my major enemy, when i first fell in love with you, i knew it was wrong, when i first got you into my life, i felt something i've never felt, but now, when you are going to leave, i knew it would end and our relationship would be crazy.. I have a feeling that our long relationship, long distance relationship might not work.. I've been having weird thoughts on my mind that i can't get it off. I do want to go to your leaving party.. But now, i don't feel like it.. Cause it's so hard to face it that you are going to leave.. Should i still go?? I feel so useless. I can't even go to your love one's leaving party.. I feel like.... ....

I was the one who made this choice. I was the one that chose this path. I was the one that told myself to forget about him.. I was the one that said i should get him off my mind. I was the one that said i should get someone new to get him off my mind. But he can't get off my mind even though i'm with another guy. Yes, i do sound messed up and sound like such a play girl.. But but. I do love these two guys. There are different stuff about this two guys that i wish it all can be in just one person.. A guy that i can't get him off my mind is like. he and i used to have fun all the time when we were together.. We seem to insult each other and don't take it seriously instead start chasing each other around the school. We seem to get mad at each other for no reason. but the guy i'm with now. Is completely different.. He is the romantic type.. whenever i cracked a joke about him, he'll be like you are so mean. and so i would be like. fine be that way. and he will start hugging me.. but i dont get it.. I have fun with these two guys!

I don't know what is wrong with me. I try to forget both of them.. and i try to make sure i would be alright when he leaves.. He, i told him about my past.. and he seems like he doesn't care.. I told him i was scared when i heard he hurt himself and heard he wanna leave this world.. and i told him why. i told him cause my ex, he left me, he hurt me so badly. That i'm scared... but still. he, doesn't wants to listen to me.. instead, start hurting himself more.. What can i do?? I've try to make it prefect, I tried to smile.. I've tried everything i could, but some how, it jsut can't go away.. The pain, him, him, and the fact that he is leaving. :'(

Ashley signing off

Tata

xoxo
ashleylicious