Unfaithful ;

He was just right there. In front of me. He and I had a dance.. It was our last dance together and i started crying cause i felt so unfaithful, felt stupid, felt useless.. I was about to tell you everything on what happened.. But i couldn't i was afraid I'd spoil the moment. the very last moments with him. It was so heart breaking.. I cried for a while. to make sure i would stay strong.. and be grateful that he came into my life..

When we were dancing, he held me tightly, that i could hear his heart beat.. That i could hear mine.. Beating so fast.. When we were dancing, i was thinking how unfaithful have i been.. When we were dancing, i just cried and cried and cried.. I couldn't control my feelings..!! I didn't know what to do at that time.. it was so painful.. I don't know how to handle things anymore.. my first relationship hurt me a lot and I wasn't strong enough to handle and now I'm starting a long distance relationship? Am i strong enough? I cried just now.. Thinking of my ex.. i don't know why.. and i cried more when I thought of my boyfriend.. I cried and cried and cried..

As i was watching a love story, i was about to cry.. and in the end, i started tearing a little and a little and a little.. It reminded me of the situation I'm in.. It got me thinking,"why can't i just stay strong and forget about the past" i thought of it everyday since then.. Where ever I am. Somehow, the song" Move Along" since to play.. and it's like giving me strength to let go and telling me letting go is the best. One thing, i certainly wanna do that.. but but.. the person, i'm with now.. something is not right.. something with me.. something is wrong with my feelings. I didn't know what to do. I've tried and tried not to think of anything.. but but. i couldn't.I've been missing 1 person in my life and now there's 2.. How can I cope with this?? All i ever wanted is to get over him and have an ending. A happy one.. With the one i love.. now, there's 2? I'm never this confuse before.. But. why now? is it because someone is telling me to let the past be past cause now is the present?

I need answers to the questions that have been going through my mind. I know everyone would tell me to let the past be.. Be happy with the present and with the one you are with. Yes, i can follow what you guys are telling me to, but.. what if i seriously can't let it go? that i will be with the i'm with now but not happy.. tell me, you say be happy right? then why don't you let me go back to him?? I need the past.. i need the guy in the past. I thought i could get him out.. BUT... i couldn't.. It's..... It's..... so.. painful to see him walk out. At some point, his MSN personal message seems so dark, emo, and sad.. But, i think he is saying it to the girl that he asked out... I knew how he felt when i was happy with the guy i'm with now and starts talking about him. I KNOW HOW IT FEELS LIKE cause i was like that when you told me about the girl.. the first girl after our break up.. i knew.. i knew how everything felt like. But.. i think till now, you think i'm a heartless person.. and doesn't know how it feels like..

I guess, to you I'm just a HEARTLESS ex girlfriend. One thing, I still want to be friends.. but.. we seem to seldom chat now a days.. I would love and appreciate it.. I really need your help, support to get over you. i really need you now.. I need you now cause i know you are the guy that can make me laugh like hell.. I need you now cause my boyfriend is leaving and i need someone to help me with that... I really need you.. I really want you to see and read this blog.. but.. i can't just go to you and say."hey, go to this blog.. read it, that's how i feel" i cant say that. that would be rude.. On second thought.. maybe.. sighs.. oh, i don't know..

Ashley signing off

Tata

xoxo
ashleylicious